world through my eyes

random facts of life from my point of view

Spill of Thoughts

Disclaimer : this will be a very long post. Written during my free time (in between working busy hours and late night lonesome time).

I usually do not write; unless I need to do so, realizing that sometimes I write better than I talk. This is not a self-publicize effort, yet I think this story is worth to share.

So I’ve been in a very serious-yet-happy go lucky relationship for the past 5 years, with a guy whom everyone knows who he is. We had lot of things in common, including an ‘oldies’ taste of music. I found things in him that I could not find in any other guy. He is genuinely kind hearted, mentally strong, a family guy, and he has everything that a woman look for in a secured relationship. Not to mention that his adventurous side encourages me to be less doubtful in taking decision. Simply said, his presence in this previous 5 years made me a better person.

How we got together is not a very interesting or romantic story to tell. To be honest, I was the one who is attracted to him and I’m willing to admit it. We had a very long conversation during our dinner, talking about our history of life, our interest and our dream. And that’s it. We decided to be in a relationship. No drama at all.

Obviously, we have a same circle of friends. When we were in college, we used to go for a backpack trip to local places with a circle of friends, or just simply go camping in a forest nearby. His interest of the nature taught me a lot a his inner characteristics. He is persistent, calm, and patient. We were also in the same Student Council in college, and joined a lot of organizational activities and competitions. Sometimes I joined the competition simply just because I felt insecure by his achievements.

He was my best friend. If anything goes wrong, he is the first one (well, at least first one after Lidya) I would call. Even though he does not always bring solutions for me, but at least he gave me comfort. It was the most stable and steady relationship I’ve ever had.

We had same perception about definition of success in life. We define success as being able to travel to a lot of places. At that point of time, of course I had the thoughts of having a family with him in the future, discovering new things in life and share our knowledge to our kids, and enjoy his companion for the rest of my life. But we were not that type of couple who plans. We just let it flow. Maybe that was the reason why we were together for quite a long time. We did not expect. As we all know, expectation kills.

Or maybe having no expectation at all is much worse.

We managed to find good opportunities after college, according to our own plan. He got a very good position in the largest tobacco company in Indonesia, with steady career path and I know (and I’m glad) he enjoys it. I managed to work in a bank, as what I planned, with additional ‘gift’ from God, which is a-1 year- overseas training program. We were very excited to step onto our new challenging stage of life. My ultimate dream in life was to live abroad, to be away for quite some time from home. Imagine how overwhelmed I was when I know that I will get the chance to live abroad, even if it’s only Malaysia, and only for 1 year. And at that point of time, he started to get very busy with his office work. Overwhelmed me and busy him were not a very good combination. We did not settle or discuss anything before I left the country. We thought everything will go smoothly.

But as everyone knows, sometimes things do not turn out as well as we, human, plan.

I had everything I need after I move abroad. I had new interesting friends, nice apartment, free weekends, and freedom. I felt ‘alive’, just like going back to early college life. I am really not a multitasking person, meaning that I will not be able to concentrate replying text message while talking to friends. And most of the time, I talked to friends. What else would you do when you live abroad, living in the same building and sharing the apartment with a lot of friends?

I then found out that Long-Distance Relationship does not work out for me. It’s not that I do not trust him or whatsoever, but it’s more like, I could not stand communicating using text message with one same person whole day long, 7 days in a week, without seeing the person face to face. I admit it that he put some effort, while I did not. I found our conversation ran dry, we have less things in common to talk about. He talked about his stuff and I could not understand, and vice versa.

I let it run dry furthermore. It’s not that the love is dying, but it’s about no more effort we gave. Texting him became a routinity for me, just like what happens in any other long-distance relationship. I live my life here, he lives his own life there. It went like that for quite a long time. Until he decided to raise the issue on one random night. Then the decision was made. We are no longer together.

It feels really strange to me for being single again after 5 years lingering to the same person. It’s a real denial if I say that this breakup does not make any difference in my life. Of course I am sad, I am torn apart. I am having a post-breakup syndrome. I don’t feel like going out with friends, I hate and listen to break-up songs at the same time , I ran through our old photos (which could have been unique pre-wed photos with nature and wildlife theme), I keep wondering when the hell he is going to reply my text, I stalk his profile in socmed and his last seen time in Whatsapp. I avoid crowds, but at the same time I’m afraid to be alone. I always look for someone to talk to. I chose to stay late in the office rather than going back home and feel lonely. I keep myself busy and content with work. The worst thing is I feel relieved when I have to go to work on weekends, which means I do not have to think about him.

But yeah, I’ve been through some breakups before. And I had always survived and moved on. I believe this too shall pass. What I need to do now is to learn again how to stand alone on my own feet, without depending and lingering to anyone else. I may sound weak to some people, but imagine that someone has been standing by and holding on to you for the past 1650 days and suddenly he’s no longer there. He has become a habit for me, while even until now I could never get rid of my nail-biting habit. How can you get rid of your habit in a short span of time?

And from now on, both of us will create our own story. We might meet halfway somewhere someday in the future, or maybe we might not. Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. I hope his story goes well, and so does my story, and I will always feel proud to be part of his story. I really hope we could talk without hard feeling anymore anytime soon. And I’ll always keep him in my prayers.

Thank you and bon voyage, Antonius Budi Susilo.







"Hard Habit to Break"- Chicago

I guess I thought you’d be here forever

Another illusion I chose to create

You don’t know what you got until it’s gone

And I found out a little too late

I was acting as if you were lucky to have me

Doin’ you a favor, I hardly knew you were there

But then you were gone, and it all was wrong

Had no idea how much I cared

Now being without you takes a lot of getting used to

Should learn to live with it but I don’t want to

Being without you is all a big mistake

Instead of getting easier, it’s the hardest thing to take

I’m addicted to you babe, you’re a hard habit to break

You found someone else you had every reason

You know I can’t blame you for runnin’ to him

Two people together but livin’ alone

I was spreading my love too thin

After all of these years I’m still tryin’ to shake it

Doin’ much better, they say that it just takes time

But deep in the night, it’s an endless fight

I can’t get you out of my mind

Now being without you takes a lot of getting used to

Should learn to live with it but I don’t want to

Being without you is all a big mistake

Instead of getting easier, it’s the hardest thing to take

I’m addicted to you babe, you’re a hard habit to break

Can’t go on, just can’t go on, on, can’t go on

Just can’t go on, on

Now being without you takes a lot of getting used to

Should learn to live with it but I don’t want to

Being without you is all a big mistake

Instead of getting easier, it’s the hardest thing to take

I’m addicted to you babe, you’re a hard habit to break

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said
No final kiss to seal anything
I had no idea of the state we were in

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness
And a wandering eye and heaviness in my head

But don’t you remember? Don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me once more

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong
the more I do, the less I know

But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head

But don’t you remember? Don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me once more

I gave you the space so you could breathe
I kept my distance so you would be free
And hope that you find the missing piece
To bring you back to me

Why don’t you remember? Don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me that you used to love me

When will I see you again?

(Source: Spotify)

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